Insomnia

I sit here writing at 5:55AM having been up for three hours. I have only slept two hours. I am terribly tired, but my mind is going too fast to sleep. As usual, it is the same thoughts on an endless loop. An image of a roll of film that has reached its end on an old projector comes to mind. It clicks on incessantly until someone finally turns it off.

To say the least, it's annoying.

When this happens, my wife usually kicks me out of bed, so she can sleep. I always oblige and go into the office to work on something to keep my mind occupied. That's totally understandable, and I appreciate her predicament. Still, I feel totally alone in my state, as everyone else in the family is sound asleep. Like I should be. But I'm not.

I always oblige and go into the office to work on something to keep my mind occupied.

I have been experiencing insomnia much more frequently lately. Part of that, I'm sure, is due to the stress and uncertainty of my recent change in life. I went from being fully employed making a pretty good salary to being laid off and struggling to get a business going. A big change.

At times, I have watched my wife interact with the kids when they can't sleep. She checks in to see if they are too hot, or too cold, or haven't eaten enough,etc. All valid reasons for not sleeping. But sometimes it's just because you can't sleep.

For me, insomnia is one of the worst parts of bipolar disorder. At times,it seems the only thing worse would be the hell of severe depression.

How do you deal with insomnia?

Don't Hide Your Inner Madness

In providing guidance to aspiring writers, the poet Allen Ginsberg shared. "It's more important to concentrate on what you want to say to yourself and your friends. Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness.You say what you want to say when you don't care who's listening. If you're grasping to get your own voice, you're making a strained attempt to talk, so it's a matter of just listening to yourself as you sound when you're talking about something that's intensely important to you.”

For anyone who's felt the influence of mental health issues, it often seems like we're in a different world from those around us. Our emotions spike and nose-dive frequently. We are subject to far-fetched, unrealistic thinking. We reach a fevered mania only to fall into a deep and all-consuming depression.

The solutions that well-meaning friends and family offer provide no solace in times of depression. Take a walk; count your blessings; think positive thoughts. Blah. Blah. Blah. We often try all of these things to no avail.

On the other side of the spectrum, our manic thoughts seem all too real to us. We're on top of the world and nothing can bring us down. We forget that it was only a few days ago that it felt like the world was caving in on us. Our friends tell us to calm down, to get a grip, to come back to reality. All the while we're thinking, they just don't get it.They don't see the possibilities.

All of these thoughts and emotions are real for us. As Dumbledore told Harry Potter in the Deathly Hallows, "Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?”

I don't think that many people who haven't gone through the challenges of having minds that play (sometimes heinous) tricks can really appreciate what it is like to "be out of your mind."

Is it this madness we should refrain from hiding? Is Ginsberg really saying we should let that madness be revealed to the world around us? I know, for me, that brings up all kinds of concerns about how I will be treated and thought of afterwards. I know when I do share some of my experiences, especially with those who haven't experienced it themselves, that I am usually terribly anxious afterwards of what they now think of me.

I have worked really hard to overcome worrying what others think of me. There was a time when every laugh and snicker I heard I thought was directed at me. Until I realized that most people are too caught up in their own worlds to be too terribly concerned about mine. I'm largely past that now.

That said, I'm still terribly anxious about revealing my inner madness.

What about you? Do you feel safe in revealing your inner madness?

Renewed Desire to Write About Mental Health

In speaking with a friend today, I have a renewed desire to share my thoughts and experiences in dealing with mental health issues.

Look for rainbows when there's rain.

© Copyright David Crocker and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons License.

It is my hope that by writing and sharing my experiences that I can help somebody find some comfort in facing the struggles of severe mood swings. Another favorable outcome would be to help a family member, or a friend understand their loved one who faces the challenges of severe mood swings or depression.

Like so many things in life, dealing with severe mood swings is challenging. Recently, another friend described how he viewed the experience of facing severe challenges. He said, "Everything in life is a gift. Just some of it comes in some pretty crappy wrapping paper."