Forgiving Myself

One of the challenges of living with bipolar disorder is the fact that life sometimes doesn't turn out the way we expect. In a baseline state we have plans and goals that we intend to keep but then depression creeps in and the drive to accomplish diminishes. This time last year I was pushing forward diligently on completing my CPA certification. It was something that I wanted to accomplish. I've now let that slip by the wayside. It seems like my life is littered with broken dreams.

That is not to say that I want to go back and complete my CPA. I'm not sure that is the case. I neither want to do audits or taxes so my thoughts are that is something I don't want to do.

I do want to move forward with my life but I've stepped back from some of the commitments I've made. At some point, I expect I'll be ready to go back and attack some of the aspirations I've had. As for now, though, I am just learning to deal with the day to day.

About a month ago I wrote on my daily chart that I was stressed, and losing sleep, over being concerned about a new report that I had to develop. I was concerned about my ability to do it. Since then I've been able to accomplish that task to some very positive remarks from management. That gives me hope that by keeping on I'll be able to accomplish some of the other tasks I have on my plate that I'm concerned about.

I think the trick is to keep moving forward while giving myself room to breathe and to keep myself well.

Back at Work

So many of the questions I had about going to work have been answered since I've gone back to work. My role at work has changed. I'm no longer as deeply involved in the close process. Part of me feels like I'm being protected or that others at work are being careful to not give me too much responsibility for fear that I may have a remission.

But for the most part, people are treating me well. A couple people, with whom I had a good relationship before I left, have been really nice and stated how glad they are to see me back at work. It's nice to know that I was missed and that people care.

One of the things that has been surprising is how few questions I've had about what happened. I'm sure part of that has to do with people not knowing how to inquire about the situation. I'm OK with that. I'm not sure I would do any differently if I were in their shoes.

I definitely don't feel like I'm back to normal yet. But it is comforting to know that I'm back to work and things are on the mend.

Tomorrow's the big day

I start back to work in the morning. Actually, I already began today by going through my 450 emails I had waiting in my inbox. It took me a few hours to go through that but at least I don't have that waiting for me when I walk in the door tomorrow.

I am a little concerned about going back to work. I don't know how supportive of an environment I'm walking into. Am I walking into a hornets nest where I'll be bashed for taking a "holiday" for four months? Will I get the silent treatment where everybody's too nervous or unsure of what to say? Or will there be a few souls who have been where I've been and are willing, and able, to offer a kind word of encouragement and empathy?

I guess I'll see tomorrow.

I know I was starting to get myself a little anxious worrying about how things will play out tomorrow. My work environment has been a sore spot for me so it's not like I'm returning to a favorite pastime. But I decided I would take it moment by moment to breathe, take in some fresh air and not dwell on the sometimes unpleasantness of the job. After all, it's not all bad.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

Back to Work

I am, to be honest, more than a little excited to be able to state that I am heading back to work next week. After being out on disability for what will be just a few days short of four months, I am relieved to know that there is a job waiting for me.

As I described in my last post, I was feeling quite anxious about not knowing how I was going to provide for my family. Thankfully, I'm not being thrown out on the street to fend for myself. I'm sure it's also a relief to my family. (The kids have started asking recently when I would be going back to work. I now have an answer for them.)

I will be working part-time for a couple of weeks in the process of easing my way back into a full-time work schedule. My responsibilities also look like they are changing somewhat, which in my case looks like it's going to be a relief. I'm sure I'll still feel the pressures of working in Corporate America, but not the same pressures I was feeling before.

One of the things I've learned through this process is that bipolar disorder has both a biological component as well as a psychological component. In other words, my biochemicals work against me but so do the factors of the environment in which I find myself.

I am working on overcoming the biological factors by working with my psychiatrist and being diligent in following my medication regime—which in itself is a major leap forward for someone who really dislikes taking medicine.

I have been working on the psychological factors by learning to give myself space through meditation and positive self-talk. In addition, I am following closely a number of fellow bloggers and reading books on the subject—currently Bipolar Disorder Demystified by Lana Castle.

I'm sure there are still things ahead of me to learn how to adjust to going back to work. But I feel more prepared and hopeful that I have some resources to help me cope. (FYI, I found a great resource for those of you looking for work accommodations particularly with some specific information on those with bipolar disorder.)

I'd love to hear your experiences in going back to work. What worked for you? What didn't?

A Brand New Year

Well, it's time to start thinking about what the new year will bring--if you haven't been already. I know with the challenges I've faced since my major depressive episode began in September I've been thinking almost constantly about what the new year holds for me. I've got to say, at present, I'm more than a little concerned.

As the sole provider for my family of six (me, my wife, and four kids), I feel the pressure to be able to pull in a decent income. Prior to the last episode, I was doing a pretty decent job. I had a decent position--though admittedly a high pressure one I did not enjoy--making a fairly good salary. I knew how much I was making and where the next paycheck was coming from.

However, I've now been on short-term disability going on four months. While I am very glad to have the disability insurance and the resulting income, I'm getting to the point in my recovery where I'm feeling the need to get back to work.

There are two problems: 1.) I have a release from my doctor to go back to work on a part-time basis. Unfortunately, my employer indicated they were unable to accommodate that request pending a further review in the beginning of the year. 2.) My sleep schedule is still really messed up. The last several nights I have been unable to get to sleep well. Last night was particularly bad with me finally getting to sleep around 4am which resulted in me sleeping in to around 11:30am. Obviously, such a schedule is going to make it difficult for me to work a normal 9-to-5 schedule.

I am hoping that by the end of 2010--preferably much sooner--I'll have a much better handle on what I'm doing to provide for my family.