Insomnia

I sit here writing at 5:55AM having been up for three hours. I have only slept two hours. I am terribly tired, but my mind is going too fast to sleep. As usual, it is the same thoughts on an endless loop. An image of a roll of film that has reached its end on an old projector comes to mind. It clicks on incessantly until someone finally turns it off.

To say the least, it's annoying.

When this happens, my wife usually kicks me out of bed, so she can sleep. I always oblige and go into the office to work on something to keep my mind occupied. That's totally understandable, and I appreciate her predicament. Still, I feel totally alone in my state, as everyone else in the family is sound asleep. Like I should be. But I'm not.

I always oblige and go into the office to work on something to keep my mind occupied.

I have been experiencing insomnia much more frequently lately. Part of that, I'm sure, is due to the stress and uncertainty of my recent change in life. I went from being fully employed making a pretty good salary to being laid off and struggling to get a business going. A big change.

At times, I have watched my wife interact with the kids when they can't sleep. She checks in to see if they are too hot, or too cold, or haven't eaten enough,etc. All valid reasons for not sleeping. But sometimes it's just because you can't sleep.

For me, insomnia is one of the worst parts of bipolar disorder. At times,it seems the only thing worse would be the hell of severe depression.

How do you deal with insomnia?

Don't Hide Your Inner Madness

In providing guidance to aspiring writers, the poet Allen Ginsberg shared. "It's more important to concentrate on what you want to say to yourself and your friends. Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness.You say what you want to say when you don't care who's listening. If you're grasping to get your own voice, you're making a strained attempt to talk, so it's a matter of just listening to yourself as you sound when you're talking about something that's intensely important to you.”

For anyone who's felt the influence of mental health issues, it often seems like we're in a different world from those around us. Our emotions spike and nose-dive frequently. We are subject to far-fetched, unrealistic thinking. We reach a fevered mania only to fall into a deep and all-consuming depression.

The solutions that well-meaning friends and family offer provide no solace in times of depression. Take a walk; count your blessings; think positive thoughts. Blah. Blah. Blah. We often try all of these things to no avail.

On the other side of the spectrum, our manic thoughts seem all too real to us. We're on top of the world and nothing can bring us down. We forget that it was only a few days ago that it felt like the world was caving in on us. Our friends tell us to calm down, to get a grip, to come back to reality. All the while we're thinking, they just don't get it.They don't see the possibilities.

All of these thoughts and emotions are real for us. As Dumbledore told Harry Potter in the Deathly Hallows, "Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?”

I don't think that many people who haven't gone through the challenges of having minds that play (sometimes heinous) tricks can really appreciate what it is like to "be out of your mind."

Is it this madness we should refrain from hiding? Is Ginsberg really saying we should let that madness be revealed to the world around us? I know, for me, that brings up all kinds of concerns about how I will be treated and thought of afterwards. I know when I do share some of my experiences, especially with those who haven't experienced it themselves, that I am usually terribly anxious afterwards of what they now think of me.

I have worked really hard to overcome worrying what others think of me. There was a time when every laugh and snicker I heard I thought was directed at me. Until I realized that most people are too caught up in their own worlds to be too terribly concerned about mine. I'm largely past that now.

That said, I'm still terribly anxious about revealing my inner madness.

What about you? Do you feel safe in revealing your inner madness?

Renewed Desire to Write About Mental Health

In speaking with a friend today, I have a renewed desire to share my thoughts and experiences in dealing with mental health issues.

Look for rainbows when there's rain.

© Copyright David Crocker and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons License.

It is my hope that by writing and sharing my experiences that I can help somebody find some comfort in facing the struggles of severe mood swings. Another favorable outcome would be to help a family member, or a friend understand their loved one who faces the challenges of severe mood swings or depression.

Like so many things in life, dealing with severe mood swings is challenging. Recently, another friend described how he viewed the experience of facing severe challenges. He said, "Everything in life is a gift. Just some of it comes in some pretty crappy wrapping paper."

Karla McLaren: Emotions are Always True

Karla McLaren, empath, author of Emotional Genius shares the thought that emotions are always true (about something), but they’re not always right.

She suggests that we should embrace our emotions rather than try to subdue them. Naturally, this needs to take some consciousness, but it's a great concept that emotions can be a great thing.

Too often, dealing with the challenges of ups and downs that come with being bipolar, it is tempting to subdue my emotions rather than to listen to what they are saying.

I believe that strong emotions can be a great blessing.

10 Things You SHOULD Say to a Depressed Loved One - Beyond Blue

Therese Borchard, one of my favorite bloggers, shared 10 Things You SHOULD Say to a Depressed Loved One - Beyond Blue. 

In short, the 10 things are:
1. Can I relieve your stress in any way?
2. What do you think might help you feel better?
3. Is there something I can do for you?
4. Can I drive you somewhere?
5. Where are you getting your support?
6. You won’t always feel this way.
7. Can you think of anything contributing to your depression?
8. What time of day is hardest for you?
9. I’m here for you.
10. Nothing.

I have a number of friends who suffer from the challenges of depression, even bipolar. I feel for them. I know, at least for me, to what it is like to go through some of the struggles of dealing with emotions that are out of control. However, there are still a lot of times when I just don't know what to say.

Maybe Therese's suggestions will help to know what to say.

Forgiving Myself

One of the challenges of living with bipolar disorder is the fact that life sometimes doesn't turn out the way we expect. In a baseline state we have plans and goals that we intend to keep but then depression creeps in and the drive to accomplish diminishes. This time last year I was pushing forward diligently on completing my CPA certification. It was something that I wanted to accomplish. I've now let that slip by the wayside. It seems like my life is littered with broken dreams.

That is not to say that I want to go back and complete my CPA. I'm not sure that is the case. I neither want to do audits or taxes so my thoughts are that is something I don't want to do.

I do want to move forward with my life but I've stepped back from some of the commitments I've made. At some point, I expect I'll be ready to go back and attack some of the aspirations I've had. As for now, though, I am just learning to deal with the day to day.

About a month ago I wrote on my daily chart that I was stressed, and losing sleep, over being concerned about a new report that I had to develop. I was concerned about my ability to do it. Since then I've been able to accomplish that task to some very positive remarks from management. That gives me hope that by keeping on I'll be able to accomplish some of the other tasks I have on my plate that I'm concerned about.

I think the trick is to keep moving forward while giving myself room to breathe and to keep myself well.

Back at Work

So many of the questions I had about going to work have been answered since I've gone back to work. My role at work has changed. I'm no longer as deeply involved in the close process. Part of me feels like I'm being protected or that others at work are being careful to not give me too much responsibility for fear that I may have a remission.

But for the most part, people are treating me well. A couple people, with whom I had a good relationship before I left, have been really nice and stated how glad they are to see me back at work. It's nice to know that I was missed and that people care.

One of the things that has been surprising is how few questions I've had about what happened. I'm sure part of that has to do with people not knowing how to inquire about the situation. I'm OK with that. I'm not sure I would do any differently if I were in their shoes.

I definitely don't feel like I'm back to normal yet. But it is comforting to know that I'm back to work and things are on the mend.