Guilt

Recently, I have begun to notice how often I am feeling guilty in association with my illness and recovery. I have felt guilty about the things I haven't done. Namely, that I denied the presence of my disorder and consequently did nothing to gain more insight into it. 

Instead, I focused on my career and my family. I don't think that is a bad thing. It was a shifting of priorities. Perhaps guilt is just a way to acknowledge the possibility of a different path.

I have also felt guilty that I have been away from work as long as I have. Not everyone is able to take off a couple months and spend time with family. It has been a real blessing to be able to do so and one that I can continue to do in some fashion.

Finally, I have felt guilty because I have spent so much time recovering from my illness while there are others I know of who are fighting for their lives as their bodies are physically ravaged with cancer. Their illnesses seem to be so much more serious and real. My illness has been all in my head (though yesterday's post shows that there are definite physiological effects as well.)

In fact, I struggle to legitimize my illness.  This is where guilt becomes particularly burdensome. I wonder if part of it has to do with the stigma that is associated with mental illness. Too often, the thinking is "If people would just take some responsibility for themselves, there would be fewer people living on the streets." Part of that may be true. But I can tell you, the need to fight tooth and nail over the past couple months for me has been very real. There were definitely times that all I wanted was to cease to exist and I was willing to do what was necessary to do so.

In trying to think of an example that would show this, I would point to the feelings that smokers have when they are craving a cigarette. It takes strength to overcome that temptation. Similarly, overcoming suicidal thoughts can also be extremely challenging. I am glad that I am beginning to get past those feelings because I have many wonderful reasons to be alive and most of them are my family. Then there are the things I care about: art, music, church service.

So, I am recognizing the guilt that I have been passing through. In doing so, I strive to embrace those things I haven't done that I would like to do and I acknowledge those that I have done that I can leave behind now.

What a powerful opportunity for growth!